The best single-word definition for leadership is influence. And I don’t believe any position has greater influence than that of a parent.

Courtesy 123RF/goodluz

Yet influence is more than just telling someone what to do. Too many parents simply wield their authority and bark out commands. To truly influence your child for good, you’ll have to lead by example. You have to go first.

My good friend, Rich Hartman, has said for years:

You cannot teach what you do not know. You cannot lead where you will not go.

Again, this applies to any potential leader. Sadly, some parents don’t see themselves as leaders. Yet we are—and we have to go first.

Here are several examples of the things parents ought to be teaching their kids. Let’s play this out and consider what it means to go first.

1. Good manners. Children are naturally cute—except when they don’t have good manners. Most parents understand that and are embarrassed by their child’s rude behavior. They’ll apologize to onlookers, act surprised, and reprimand their child. But too often the child is simply a product of a lack of training, or worse, mirroring what they’ve learned from a parent.

2. Good character. Honesty, integrity, responsibility—all noble characteristics. Too bad they don’t come installed at birth. Little eyes and ears miss very little. They notice when defective things are sold on Craigslist without full disclosure. They hear the truth being stretched on a child’s age to get a discount at a restaurant. They’re required to keep their room picked up yet see Mom and Dad’s room or workspaces as otherwise.

3. Treating others respectfully. We are all born with a heavy dose of self-centeredness. Preferring others before ourselves, learning to be courteous of those who come after us, giving another the benefit of the doubt—all have to be caught to be taught.

4. Good health. Everyone wants it yet it requires good habits. If you don’t want your child to feast on junk, you’ll have to lead with a different example. If you’d like him to get off the couch and be more active, your lecture won’t be very effective from the recliner with the remote in your lap.

5. Managing money and time well. Two of the most valuable resources we have in life yet few learn good management principles at home. Chances are you didn’t but that doesn’t excuse you from enrolling in Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University or taking a course on time management. Learn first, then pass it along to your kids so they don’t make the same mistakes you’ve made.

6. Self-control. “Change your attitude!” “Don’t act like such a baby!” “Get a grip!” These could apply to either a child—or a parent. If you want your child to learn patience, manage anger, roll with disappointment, learn self-control first, then be his role model.

7. Follow God. If you desire your child to know God and live by His principles, you’ll have to become a disciple first. If you think it would helpful for your child to regularly read the Bible for herself, you’ll need to let her see you read it first. If prayer is important, make time for it in your own schedule. If worshipping with other believers is really that important, take the lead each week and take your family to church.

You get the point. Anything good we hope to become a part of our kids’ values and behaviors requires we learn and go first. Consider where you might need to improve for the sake of your kids. Be the parent. Be their leader.

You cannot teach what you do not know. You cannot lead where you will not go.