We’re just about into the change of the season. A nip is in the air—at least here in Oklahoma! Days are getting shorter. Cool, fresh breezes in the evening. Leaves rustling. And time for some seasonal family fun!
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Years ago, we developed some basic family traditions that were always linked with the fall. It gave us an excitement for the change of the season, and made memories worth repeating each year.
As parents, we have multitudes of opportunities every day to give our children direction on their routines. While it may be easier to just do things for them, we do want to build responsibility in them. There is a way to build that responsibility without nagging. What they need is a little bit of motivation. And rewarding good behaviors rather than giving consequences for poor behaviors should be our first plan of attack in training our children.
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Think about how we as adults are motivated to work. We all like to think we are motivated with intrinsic rewards—that we derive personal satisfaction from a job well done. That is the best motivator of what we do in life. But it doesn’t usually start that way. Most of us need some extrinsic reward in the beginning. In the job market, it’s our paycheck or commission for the work we do. Both types of rewards are essential.
One of the greatest potential benefits of family is the sense of belonging. Sadly, not every family enjoys that. If you don’t work at building family spirit and a culture of togetherness, you’ll miss one of the greatest treasures in life.
As I say often, little things done consistently over a long time give the greatest benefits. So it is in strengthening family spirit. It doesn’t require a lot of money, nor can you accomplish it with just a big event. It happens mainly by staying connected and sharing in each other’s wins, struggles, and just everyday stories.
Picture this: it’s a nice warm sunny day. You’ve decided to take advantage of the weather and do a complete overhaul of all the closets in your home. You’ve just emptied the master bedroom closet and have assorted items littering your floor space. Your 8-year old comes in and says, “Mom, I’m bored.”
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You are just about to respond with, “It’s a beautiful day! Go outside and play!”, along with some other frustrated retorts. So you search your mind for ideas to quell his boredom. You are even rethinking your plan because obviously your child has nothing to do and must have your help in being directed.
As parents, we naturally talk to our children—hopefully a lot. From the time they are born, we speak as though they can understand every word. But what are the things we are saying? “Oh, you are such a mess!” “You little stinker!”
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Those comments are cute when they are babies, but how does that translate when they get a little older? If we’re not mindful about what we say, that freedom to spout off silly little sayings becomes a little more serious. “You just don’t listen.” “Why can’t you just do what I tell you?” “You won’t amount to anything.” “I wish you were like your brother.”
Recently I tweeted, “I can’t think of anything more important for personal development than reading.” Most people mentally assent to that. They know it’s a good habit yet few make time for it or, much less, love it.
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We schooled our five children at home. One of the things Gail and I determined early on was to give our kids a love of learning. We knew we could never teach them everything they would need to know to hit their mark in life. But if we could teach them how to learn what they needed, we’d have done them a huge service.
For the past 5½ years, I’ve been blessed to live in the same town with my ever-growing crew of grandkids. We’ve spent hours together playing, working on schoolwork, doing art projects, baking, reading, going to movies, laughing, having dance parties, and toddling around town just enjoying all that Tulsa has to offer.
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Not all grandparents have this privilege, I know. Today’s society is so mobile that many, many miles can separate extended families.
Every parent hopes for a great relationship and open communication with their child during the teenage years. It’s easy, however, for us parents to inadvertently discourage that by continuing to speak to them as we did when they were younger and needed more direction.
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As the child moves through the teenage years, our challenge is to move away from control to coaching. If a parent defaults into a more directive, one-way conversation mode, there’s either going to be an argument or the teenager will clam up, get bitter and/or rebel.
My husband has been having what we call “Special Time” with each of our five children for years. Once a week, he carves out an hour or two to spend with one of our kids doing something that allows conversation to be the main event. Yes, even as adults, they enjoy some one-on-one time so they can glean from his years of experience and wisdom in so many areas.
Courtesy 123RF/Robert Hainer
When he started having Special Time with them, he learned that what may have been special to him was not necessarily memorable to them. Now if the Special Time included working on a home project, or running an important errand together, the choice may not be the child’s. But many times, their Special Time was at the discretion of the child whose week it was to have daddy all to himself for a few hours.
Our annual family vacation is coming quickly and I’m getting in that vacation zone. Family vacations have been a huge part of our history. Our kids have long left the nest and yet every year they still go out of their way to carve out a few days to gather together with us.
We’ve seen some great parts of our country over the years. But destination has never been the attraction. And it isn’t just the hope of some needed recharging. It’s the memories of our times together and the excitement of making new memories that keeps these times a priority for everyone.
