Put any two people under the same roof for a while and eventually they’re going to have a disagreement. So when a man and a woman decide to marry and join together all that they are and all that they have, it’s only a matter of time before a disagreement erupts.

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We tend to call it a fight. Mainly because that’s what it becomes—less about finding a mutually beneficial option and more about getting your own way. And often causing a great deal of hurt.

So the key to winning a fight with your spouse is changing your idea of winning.

If you see the conflict in the context of a fight, then winning means being the one left standing due to the other being hurt so bad that he/she is totally beat down or runs away. Sadly, that’s an apt description of too many marital conflicts.

If, however, you see the conflict as an opportunity to come together, then winning means creatively figuring out a compromise while preserving the relationship and the dignity and well-being of each other.

The latter sounds so good yet is not the norm. It requires overriding our natural tendency to be selfish—to get what we want, when we want it. And, if we feel hurt by someone, we tend to retaliate by hurting.

This is where Dr. Phil would say, “How’s that working for you?!”

Resolving Conflict Without A Fight

A conflict is simply the meeting of opposing forces. In a marriage, it’s usually about different ideas or wants. It’s not usually so much about right and wrong. It’s about finding a place where both win.

The trick is to keep the problem-solving from escalating to becoming hurtful. Here are a few things Gail and I have learned over the years that keep conflict resolution helpful and not hurtful:

1. Lay down your right to be right. It’s not really a right but we often feel that it is—especially us guys. I have fought too many arguments simply to prove I was right. Even if I won the argument, we lost. Trust me—when you learn to value peace more than being right, you’ll be much happier and healthier.

2. Fight fair. The idea behind that concept is establish some rules that will prevent the other from unnecessary hurt. Rules such as:

   • Talking in a calm, conversational tone and volume.
   • No rolling eyes or angry faces.
   • No name-calling.
   • No generalized statements beginning with, “You always…”, or, “You never…”.
3. Know when to call a time out. This should be another rule. When one feels he or she is about to say or act in a way that’s not going to be helpful, either should be able to call for a time out. A chance to take a breath, cool down, take a walk, duct tape your mouth, whatever it takes to settle down and resume the discussion in a positive, mutually beneficial way.

4. Choose your words wisely. I written about the power of “I” language as well as being “quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger”. Words are powerful—choose them carefully.

5. Seek first to understand rather than be understood. One of the greatest principles I learned from Stephen Covey. I’ve written on how valuable this is for healthy communication in marriage and encourage you to read or read again.

You want to win in your marriage. I want you to win as well. But you will have to adopt a new idea of winning to experience the best. You truly win when you’re willing to lay down your rights and desires for your spouse.