Valentine’s Day is the perfect time to celebrate your marriage and refresh your commitment and skills. It’s necessary because everything drifts over time if we don’t give it attention and a bit of maintenance. And it’s worth it because it was God’s idea and meant to be the most fulfilling relationship in this life.

Courtesy 123RF/Ruslan Grigoriev

Gail and I celebrated 37 years of being married last December. It hasn’t always been rosy. We’ve learned a lot and know we need to keep learning.

Here are some mindsets that we’ve grown to appreciate over the years as helping us to not just stay married but enjoying a richer relationship every year.

5 Mindsets Necessary For The Long Haul

1. Commitment. We are committed to each other until death do us part. Everyone envisions a lifetime of romance and bliss with the exchange of “I do’s”. But that isn’t guaranteed or automatic. Commitment begins with “I do” but requires an ongoing “I do.” It’s sticking it out for the long haul. Finishing strong, not just starting out starry-eyed. Every newlywed couple fully expects to live happily ever after. Yet eventually disagreements come.
   • Don’t consider divorce on option.
   • Learn to call a truce instead of letting an argument drag on.
   • Learn to apologize, forgive, and ask for a do-over.
   • Keep dating, showing affection, laughing, and having fun.
   • Let your words, actions, and habits keep saying to your spouse, “I did. I do. I always will.”
2. Communication. We are learning to live with each other in an understanding way. We don’t see the world the same. We don’t always handle problems or pressure the same. Trouble comes when we assume or expect our spouse to see things in the same way we do. We need to learn to talk, to ask the right questions, and to listen from the other person’s standpoint to gain a better understanding.

3. Consideration. We put the needs of the other above our own. This takes some work because we all have the tendency to want what we want. The next step beyond gaining a better understanding of your spouse is choosing to elevate his/her needs and wants above your own. A strong marriage is built on an attitude of serving the other, not fighting for our own way but fighting to out do the other in putting their needs first.

4. Confidence. We are confident that God is at work in each of us and will cause us to grow and become the people He wants us to be. Your spouse isn’t perfect—but then, neither are you! No one will ever be able to satisfy all of our expectations. Instead of putting pressure on your spouse to change, put your confidence in God and allow Him to work in each of you to bring about the best version of yourselves.

   For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.” Philippians 1:6

   • Don’t compare your spouse to a parent or anyone else—those people aren’t perfect either.
   • Instead of focusing on what your partner isn’t, focus on improving yourself.
   • Change the way you see your spouse and talk about your spouse. You’ll get what you expect!
5. Cooperation. We flow together best by showing love and respect for each other. Marriage is about two different people learning to operate as one. I like to think of marriage as a dance—learning to flow with one another for the mutual benefit and enjoyment of the other. Two completely different people in every way, cooperating with each other, bringing out the best in each other. When you misstep,
   • Quickly acknowledge, apologize, and adapt as you keep dancing.
   • Ask, “Did you mean to sound unloving/disrespectful?”
   • “Would you like a chance to rephrase that?”

Do yourselves a favor and recommit to making your marriage even better. Learn from the past. Keep working on yourself to be the person your spouse deserves and desires. And keep dancing!