As parents, we naturally talk to our children—hopefully a lot. From the time they are born, we speak as though they can understand every word. But what are the things we are saying? “Oh, you are such a mess!” “You little stinker!”

Courtesy 123RF/Igor Daniel

Those comments are cute when they are babies, but how does that translate when they get a little older? If we’re not mindful about what we say, that freedom to spout off silly little sayings becomes a little more serious. “You just don’t listen.” “Why can’t you just do what I tell you?” “You won’t amount to anything.” “I wish you were like your brother.”

We don’t mean to be negative, but often it’s a result of how we’ve been programmed. We tend to notice the negatives more than the positives. We critique more than we praise. We do the same with ourselves—we notice where we are failing more than where we are excelling.

So, isn’t it okay to do the same to our kids? No. This isn’t the legacy that we want to pass on to our children. We don’t want them to feel devalued, or that they haven’t met our expectations.

Again, this isn’t something we do deliberately; it’s our conditioning. I know I was of guilty of not being encouraging to my kids more than I’d like to admit. However, there are ways to change that habit if we are purposeful about it.

1. Think before you speak. We would do well to do this with everyone, but even more so with our children. Every word is a choice and we need to choose wisely. Stop and consider what you are about to express to them with your words. Is it really what you want to convey? Do you want that to be embedded in their little minds and hearts? International speaker Joyce Meyer uses the term “talking net” to describe the filtering of our words before we speak them. This is a great visual to keep us on target with what we say. Filter out all the harsh or negative words before you actually let them escape your lips.

2. Build up instead of tearing down. There are always two ways to say something: positively or negatively. I’ve seen this often with how my husband handles those he is leading at the office. Even when he is reprimanding an employee, he can do it in such an encouraging way that the person leaves his office wondering, “Did I just get chewed out?” When we need to point out an area that our children need to improve, we can compliment what they’ve achieved and also encourage them to stretch where necessary to improve. We can assure them of our approval for who they are at the same time we coach them towards their potential . This is a far better way to motivate than pointing out their shortcomings.

3. Speak what you want them to be. The idea of the self-fulfilling prophecy is so true! When we speak good words to our children, they begin to believe that about themselves and behave in a way that fulfills what’s been said about them. One instance stands out in my mind where I got this right: my 5-year old son was once asked a question by an adult and he immediately responded without even thinking, “I’m a leader and an organizer and a hard worker.” This statement was a result of what he had been told and encouraged in so often that he blurted it out without thinking. He actually looked a little embarrassed afterward like, “Did I really just say that?”

For at least eighteen years, we have a huge part to play in how our children see themselves. We all desire to instill great things in them during this crucial part of their lives. We want them to be secure, confident adults who succeed in their endeavors. If we will watch what we say to them and about them, our influence will be the catalyst to propel them to realize their dreams and hit the mark for which they were created.