Kirby and I have been married 36 years so far. That’s a long time for anything—and it’s longer than the average marriage lasts today. Quantity certainly counts for something but quality is even more important.

Courtesy Corey Lack

After years of ups and downs, happy times and sad times, I can truly say that being together with my husband the past 36 years has been well worth it all. Not every minute was fun, close, or romantic, but the sharing of life together for the long haul has produced a greater closeness than I ever imagined.

As I reflect on the past, I see principles and lessons learned in dealing with life and struggles that brought us through for the better. In all humility, I want to share those with you.

1. Don’t expect to change your spouse. Going into a relationship with the assumption that you will be able to fix those personality traits in your spouse that irk you will set you up for disappointment. The only person in the marriage you can change is yourself. When you change yourself, you’ll find that your partner most likely will tend to change as well.

2. Don’t look to your spouse to complete you. Before you get married, work on yourself to be a better person and learn to be satisfied with who you are on the inside. If you go into a marriage hoping that your spouse can give you what you need to feel like a whole person or make you happy, your desire will never be fulfilled. No one person will be able to do that. Only our Creator can fill that need to feel complete.

3. Determine your respective roles and responsibilities. Every marriage is different. The ebb and flow of living together is unique in every relationship. Take the time early on to openly discuss how you see the breakdown of responsibilities within the marriage. We began our marriage with me holding the purse strings. What seemed like a good idea at first to both of us proved to not work well for our relationship overall.

4. Make the love and respect element a priority.I have shared the importance of how this operates within a marriage. A woman needs love more than anything, and a man needs respect more than anything. Since males and females are different, it’s sometimes hard for us to understand how important this is in a relationship. Getting a handle on how this operates will put you miles down the road with your spouse.

5. Marriage should take priority over children and career. I always wanted to be a mom. Being a child development major, a teacher, a babysitter, I just naturally loved children. Early in our marriage, it was difficult for me when faced with the tension between my husband’s needs and my children’s needs. I thought children can’t wait, but adults can. This mindset had to be changed in order for our household to be in proper order. My husband and I were a pair long before our kids came along, and we’re still a pair now that they have flown the coop. Prioritizing this relationship over others has caused our marriage to be solid—and good for our kids.

6. Demonstrate affection. Even though I didn’t come from a particularly affectionate family, I’ve realized how essential this is for our marriage. Your children need to see you being affectionate with your husband as well as with them. Hold hands with your spouse, kiss often, and say I love you daily.

7. Learn to communicate with him in mind. Again, as we consider male/female differences, we not only have different intentions when we use similar words, but we also hear the words spoken with different ears. I am continually attempting to improve my skills in communicating in a way that my husband will truly understand me. But the biggest key for me was just stopping to think before I said anything. Enough said.

8. Agree to take time out when an argument becomes unproductive. Making sure you come to a resolution after a heated discussion is vital. The longer the angst continues, the more the rest of life, family, and work is affected. Sometimes, however, I found it better to have a little space and a chance to cool down before further discussion. We believe in the biblical principle of “don’t let the sun go down on your anger”; yet, we’ve seldom seen arguments resolve after 10pm! Staying up most of the night to attempt to resolve an issue when you’re tired, emotional, and can’t think straight is counterproductive. Generally a little time, space, and sleep can produce a quicker settlement.

9. Learn how to say I’m sorry. So often our pride puts us in a position where we are convinced we’re right and everyone else is wrong. This doesn’t fly in a marriage. No one is perfect. We all have our faults. And it’s important to take responsibility for our part in whatever is happening in our marriage. Apologize, ask for forgiveness, and move forward.

10. Never stop dating. Remember that all the things you did to win each other shouldn’t stop once you get married. The best years of our marriage were when we were consistently taking time for one another, planning time for just the two of us, and making each other the priority.

These recommendations aren’t specifically in order and certainly aren’t exhaustive. Yet, they’ve made a huge difference in our marriage. We’re not just putting up with each other—we’re closer than ever and look forward to growing together in years to come.

Every marriage can get better—and should. Focus on at least one of the above as may be most needful right now. Make each day better than before. And put together your own top ten take-aways to give away to those closest to you.