One of the biggest things I feared before becoming a mom was how to handle my kids’ teenage years.

Courtesy 123RF/Cathy Yeulet

My years from junior high and high school should have been filled with the excitement of being a teen. Instead I felt ugly, insecure, and frustrated with life in general. My parents were wonderful in sticking with me during those turbulent years, but looking back gave me more of a sense of doom in my ability to parent a teenager.

The years from birth to 12 years seemed easy for me. Motivating my children, building in fun along with systems of rewards and consequences, and knowing that I had the ability to shape them with my words of encouragement. Somehow when my children hit the pre-teen years, all the techniques I’d become so adept at fell flat.

Every child is different. Their motivations are different. And the changes that a teen experiences are very drastic, and figuring out each child during this season proved to be one of my toughest responsibilities in parenting.

I had plenty of chances to work on this—four different tries, with the last one being a double dose of girls. As you can imagine, my first-born took the brunt of my angst with parenting a teen. But each successive child was a little easier than the last. And with each one, I learned a little bit more how to navigate what can sometimes be a very stressful relationship. Again, we didn’t always do things right, but getting back on track was a step away.

So rather than hiding your teenager in a closet till he or she reaches adulthood, here are some things you might do to strengthen the relationship.

1. Keep it positive. I loved being able to encourage my children when they were younger, but it wasn’t quite as easy once they reached adolescence. What I had to realize is that my teen needed my encouragement and motivation even more at this new stage of life. Even if I had to say no about something they were asking, I could still do in a positive way. Some phrases that helped were:
   • “We can do that another time when we have more notice.”
   • “Yes, you’ll be able to drive your friends after you have more experience behind the wheel.”
   • I’d love for you to have that privilege, let’s make a plan for when that can happen.”

   Saying “Yes, when…” is a better option than an immediate no.

2. Keep it cool. There were many times we reacted strongly with our teens, rather than thinking, waiting, and choosing how and when to respond. If you’re not able to respond thoughtfully, take a few moments before you reply with a hard and fast decision. It will help your teen to avoid striking back in retaliation.

3. Keep it cooperative. If you have the advantage of being married, then collaborate over some of the bigger issues concerning your teen. Two heads are always better than one, and talking it over with your spouse may keep you from making a rash decision.

4. Keep it open. As parents, we are not always going to make the correct decision at the start. Sometimes, there is more information about the situation that may change how we feel about it. We had a cue statement—”Permission to speak freely?”—which would give our children the right to come back to us and ask for a review of our decision. This was with the understanding that they would do it with respect and were bringing in some new thoughts to be considered.

5. Keep it beneficial. Make it advantageous for your teen to follow the guidelines and systems you have set up. There should be rewards and privileges given if he is showing himself faithful and responsible. I used to tell my son, “You scratch my back, and I’ll scratch yours.” This was a simple way to state that there are advantages to cooperating with the rules and standards.

6. Keep it documented. We found using contracts very helpful during the years our almost-adult child was still living at home. Contracts for expectations and benefits that go with meeting those expectations were a painless way to make it clearer for all of us.

7. Keep up the relationship. Your teen needs time with you just as much as when he was younger, maybe more. If you do Special Time with your children, don’t quit this just because schedules are busy. It is even more crucial to have this relationship-building time as you begin to navigate the potentially bumpy years of adolescence.

Overall, just love on your teenager. Convince him that you are there for him no matter what. There are definitely times for using tough love with your teen, especially if his behavior is disagreeable to you. Not an easy choice, but it can steer him in the right direction.

Listen carefully, choose your words, and have a heart of compassion about where he is in life. And remember that you were once at this stage and needed the patience and support of your parents as well.