What if someone handed you a list of actions that if done consistently, would give you a 95% chance of success to accomplish what you wanted? As far as I’m concerned, sign me up!

Courtesy 123RF/Tom Baker

That’s what most of us have yearned for. “If someone would just show me what to do!” But the harsh reality is that even when we do know what to do, we don’t stick with it—we lack the discipline to finish what we start.

Doing What We Know To Do

I like to think of self-discipline as simply doing what you know to do, and not doing what you know not to do.

That’s why when 733 millionaires listed the factors they considered very important to economic success, being honest and being disciplined were virtually tied for first place.

Disciplined people are more than just starters—they are finishers. They know what to do and do it. Most know what should be done but lack the discipline to do it.

The question is not whether we need discipline—self-control—or not. We know we do. The real question we should ask is: “What will help me follow through?”

Run The Plays Consistently

I just taught a breakout session at the ARC Conference. I shared my top five weekly habits to build the family you want to young church planters who were also parents.

ARC church planters who implement their playbook for launching life-giving churches have a 95% success rate. I encouraged these young parents that if they would in the same way just run the plays of this playbook that Gail and I had used to build our family, they would enjoy similar benefits as we do today in our family relationships and culture.

Discipline in a sports context means training and exercising as an athlete. Train, exercise, run the drill over and over and over. The idea is to consistently do that which you know will bring good results. Determine what you need to do to fulfill your goal, then do it consistently.

Don’t waste your time looking for the new idea. Most good things come over the long haul by consistently carrying out time-proven actions. There’s nothing difficult about understanding that, yet few follow through.

Build Habits That Will Take You Where You Want To Go

Once you determine your target goal and identify the actions that will get you there, form habits of those actions.

Desire and decision are important. But the way to bring about life change as you need is best secured through habits. Habits help you to keep doing what you know you should do to get you where you want to go.

• Saving $100 every month as a young adult in a good mutual fund will make you a millionaire.

• Spending 15-30 minutes a day in undistracted meaningful conversation with your spouse will help keep you connected.

• Eating a meal with good conversation together as a family each day will help develop close, tight-knit relationships.

We know these things. So make them into habits to automatically move us toward the results we really want in life.

Stick With The Basics

To be successful in just about anything depends largely on doing basic things consistently. That can be boring which is why we often either look for a shortcut or just stop doing what we know to do.

Most of life is day in, day out—not that exciting. That’s why we need to be well disciplined. We don’t need discipline for the exciting. We need discipline for the basics, the routine. To eat right, to exercise, to save regularly, go to work when don’t feel like it, to read your Bible, etc.

But it’s doing the little things you know to do consistently that will give you the greatest results over the long haul in every area of life. Stick with the playbook and run the plays.

Question: What is one habit that helps you consistently do what you know will bring a big payoff? Share your answer at https://kirbyandersen.com/2016/04/reach-your-goal-by-consistently-running-the-plays/.

For years I’ve tried to help others and their teams avoid one of the top productivity busters and stress points. It’s summed up by the adage, “A lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.”

Courtesy 123RF/gstockstudio

Everyone immediately knows what this means and indignantly exclaims, “YES!” So much of our frustration and stress comes from others’ failure to plan ahead which trickles down into our world. It’s maddening. Yet we have probably also been guilty of creating unnecessary emergencies for others.

At best, failing to plan ahead without consideration of how it might affect others is an inconvenience. At worst—usually the case—it feels rude, inconsiderate, and disrespectful.

I see this most often within a team or perhaps between departments in a larger organization. Teams made up of people who genuinely like each other and wouldn’t intentionally disrespect another teammate. Yet that’s exactly what they are doing when they choose to procrastinate, not considering how their choice will negatively impact others.

You can think of a hundred examples. No family, business, or church is immune. It’s the result of imperfect people—which applies to all of us. The only solution is for each person to accept responsibility and work to change the culture in their sphere of influence.

Breaking The Cycle

1. Begin with yourself. Make a commitment to not become someone else’s problem. Consider how failure to meet deadlines and fulfill promises create hassles for others. You know how much you hate it when it happens to you. Don’t be that guy. And when you mess up, own it. Apologize. Consider what you didn’t do, should’ve done, and will do differently next time.

2. Cultivate respect in teams you lead. Whether as a parent, manager, supervisor, or volunteer group leader—wherever you have the ability to directly set the policy and the tone of a group’s culture, do it. Not as a drill sergeant but as a leader who inspires and brings out the best in people. Set the example. Insist on tools and protocols that when used, make everyone’s job and life better. If a conflict arises between team members or another team, get on it. Determine why and how to prevent it from happening again. Most of the time it comes down to better communication. But the solution always starts with respecting others enough to consider how your decisions impact them.

3. Honor deadlines. Every team speaks in terms of deadlines. Yet for some team cultures, those so-called deadlines are soft and often moved. A moveable deadline is no deadline! Sure, there may be bonafide reasons to reschedule a deadline, but they should be the exception and with serious thought as to how that might impact everyone involved.

4. Lead up. You may work for, work with—or live with!—someone who is always “last minute”. Waiting until the last minute to act. Changing their mind at the last minute. You can’t control other people—only yourself—but you can influence others. If a team member or leader generally fails to think ahead sufficiently, take the initiative and suggest a specific action plan with deadlines. Propose to put together and make sure reminders are communicated to all concerned. No, it may not be your responsibility, but you’ll have a better chance of averting the inevitable frustration—and a chance to help them experience the benefits and commit to the same in the future.

5. Protect important boundaries. Inevitably, you may be unreasonably disadvantaged by someone at work who thinks their lack of planning is automatically your emergency. For example, they forget about a project deadline and now need you to stay late or work your day off or weekend. You have a few options. You can simply do it, yet you know you’re dooming yourself to repeat this in the future. You might agree to it this time because you want to be a team player, yet let them know this puts you in a tough place due to your family commitments. Or, if this becomes a frequent scenario or you have a commitment that can’t be changed, simply say you wish you could help and would have been happy to reschedule if you’d had advance notice. It is possible to be a good team player and at the same, not allow yourself to be taken advantage of.

The point is, you don’t have to be a victim. Nor do you need to be resistant and hard-headed. We can always afford to be gracious because no one is perfect. You can protect your time, your commitments, and help others grow to learn better habits at the same time.

It starts with respect. Help to model and cultivate a culture of respect with all you interact with. Learning to plan ahead with everyone’s best interests in mind is not only more productive—it’s being a good human.

Question: How do you help tactfully deal with other-imposed emergencies? Share your answer at https://kirbyandersen.com/2016/03/dealing-with-emergencies-due-to-anothers-lack-of-planning/.

For most, the Thanksgiving and Christmas season is a wonderful time of the year. Family gatherings. Parties. Traditions. Staying up late with friends. Relaxing mornings with family. Gratifying acts of kindness and service. Spectacular extravaganzas and moving church services.

Courtesy 123RF/Magdalena Kucova

But there is also a dark underbelly for many this time of year. For those who have lost loved ones, their absence seems magnified during the holidays. What should be a time of celebration becomes an unusually sad and sometimes dark season.

If that’s you, I know how you feel. I mean it—I really know how you feel.

The Accident

40 years ago yesterday was The Accident. It was the single most impactful event in my family’s history. I was a freshman in college, looking forward to heading home the next day for Christmas break. My parents and three younger siblings drove to the city an hour away from home for last minute Christmas shopping.

As they crossed a bridge, their car was hit head on by a semi-truck driven by a drunk driver. My dad was killed instantly at 40 years of age. Everyone else was hospitalized with serious injuries. My youngest brother would lie in a comatose state for another 2.5 years before passing away at the age of 16.

I spent the week before Christmas traveling between home and hospital, preparing for my dad’s funeral. On Christmas Day, I opened a gift under the tree labelled, “To Kirby. Love, Dad”—a navy blue v-neck sweater from J.C. Penney.

I love Christmas. Yet you can understand it is a mixture of feelings for my mom, brother, sister, and me—even 40 years later.

So, you see, when I say I know how those who’ve lost loved ones feel this time of year, I’ve earned the right to say that—and for what I’m about to say.

Turning Mourning Into Celebration

Losing a loved one is tragic and it’s needful to mourn. But rather than allowing sorrow to overpower this special holiday season, we can choose gratitude instead of sorrow.

We actually turn mourning into celebration. Here’s how I do it:

1. Celebrate the good memories. Don’t try to squelch memories—revive them! Break out the photo albums. Reread the notes and cards you may have saved. Tell old stories and laugh until it hurts—and maybe until you cry. As those who’ve experienced the death of a loved one will tell you, we want to talk about them. It’s healing to remember.

2. Celebrate your loved one’s impact in your life . I don’t focus on the 40 years I’ve been without my dad. I’m grateful for the 18 years I had with him in this life. I know a lot of people who didn’t have a good relationship with their parents. Much of who I am today is due to my dad’s influence on me in just a short 18 years. He was my dad. He loved me and was proud of me. I know it because he told me and I have notes in his own handwriting that say so. I read them again yesterday as I do every year. Every person should be so lucky.

   My dad wasn’t perfect. Your loved one wasn’t either. Yet call to mind how they shaped your life for the better either directly or indirectly. Even their personal shortcomings can be valuable lessons for our good.

3. Celebrate those still in your life. The loss of family members causes me to value those who are still with me even more. The brevity and the preciousness of life becomes more pronounced at the death of a loved one. I have great relationships with my mom and siblings. I treasure every moment I get with my wife, kids, and grandkids. I thank God for my friends. Treat those closest to you as if there were no tomorrow.

4. Celebrate the chance to build lasting impact on others. The fact that you mourn the loss of a loved one means they mattered to you—you miss them. I want to live my life in such a way that those who know me will miss me. Not be so dependent on me that they are disadvantaged, but that my life meant enough to them that they will truly miss me. My personal definition of success is to live in such a way that those closest to me will love and respect me the most. I’ve got another chance each day to do that.

5. Celebrate the hope of Heaven. I honestly don’t know how people can truly overcome their grief if they don’t have the personal assurance of a life with God after a short stint on this planet. I have the hope that I’ll be rejoined with my dad and brother someday. 40 years or more in this life is nothing compared to that hope.

6. Celebrate the gift of a Savior. More than any other time of year, we celebrate the fact that God so loved the world—so loved me, so loved you— that He sent His only Son, Jesus, to become our Savior—to give us the hope of eternal life with God and other loved ones. He walks with me through my grief and turns my mourning into celebration.

Dealing With Grief This Christmas

You may not have to juggle these bittersweet feelings around the holidays, but I’ll bet you know someone who does. Now that you have a better perspective on their experience, you can help by reaching out to them. They’ll appreciate you asking how they’re doing and talking about their loved one. You’re doing them a favor by bringing up their loved one in conversation—even if it brings tears.

I understand sorrow—more than I wish I did. I miss my dad and brother. But I’m grateful to have known them and to be part of their family. I’m looking forward to seeing them again. In the meantime, I’m going to make the most of my time with those still with me. I’m choosing to celebrate this Christmas, and every Christmas, by being grateful for those now gone and for what they’ve meant to me.

Question: How will you handle your grief, or help another with theirs, differently this holiday season? Share your answer at https://kirbyandersen.com/2015/12/celebrating-the-memory-of-loved-ones-during-the-holidays/.

How would your kids react this Christmas if they emptied their Christmas stocking and found an apple, an orange, and handful of peanuts in the shell, and a shiny penny? I suspect you’d get a “what the…?!” face. Maybe some tears.

Courtesy therainydaywanderer.wordpress.com

On the contrary, in our family those items are the capstone to whatever else may be in the stocking. And if ever absent (which they’ve never been), it would be more than disappointment—it would be a severe violation of family protocol.

Gail and I have written about how frozen pizza and root beer before the Thanksgiving feast and other Andersen traditions have been important to our family’s culture and bond. Most of those traditions originated with our own immediate family when our kids were young.

But if you’re fortunate to have traditions that span a couple generations or more, those can help instill a deeper appreciation in your family and generations to come of your family’s heritage.

An Apple, An Orange, Peanuts, And A Shiny Penny

Okay—back to those stocking stuffers. They span five generations now and I’m doing my best to make sure it continues.

It started in my dad’s home in rural Iowa in the late 1930’s. You probably know enough history to remember that times were tough then economically. There wasn’t much to go under a Christmas tree in those days yet my grandparents did what they could. It amounted to an apple, an orange, a handful of peanuts in the shell, and a shiny penny in each Christmas stocking.

Those items today are so common and inexpensive they would feel like an insult to give. Yet in my dad’s family back then, they were not only treats, but a bright spot in tough times and a token of hope for better days.

To have a piece of fruit in the middle of Iowa during the winter was almost extravagant. Peanuts in the shell were just great fun. A penny was a big deal considering the personal income per capita back then was less than $500 per year! Put some shine on the penny to make it look brand new and it appears even more valuable.

These don’t have the same meaning today in and of themselves. We can buy fruit everyday. Peanuts are cheap as dirt—and we don’t even have to pop them from the shell if we don’t want to. Pennies are more of a nuisance than anything.

Except in our Christmas stockings.

Deepen Appreciation For Your Family Heritage

These simple, and unusual stocking stuffers remind us that…

1. There is more family than just us. There’s something special about being part of something bigger than yourself. Appreciating your family heritage gives a greater sense of belonging and identity. It makes us unique.

2. Our ancestors are worth remembering. It’s honoring to do so. Honor your father and mother. And theirs.

3. What was important to our ancestors can be to us. The apple, orange, peanuts, and penny don’t have the intrinsic meaning to us as they did to my dad and his siblings. But what they stood for is still relevant. Celebrating the good in life at all times. Hope for better tomorrows. Love of family.

4. What we do today impacts those who follow us. Whether you do so consciously or not, you are leaving a legacy. Do it on purpose. I seriously doubt that my grandparents ever thought their simple acts of love would be carried on for generations, much less written about. But they are.

Carry Forward And Build Your Own Generational Traditions

My favorite part of Christmas Eve preparation is putting these special items in our stockings. Gail faithfully does the shopping in advance. Pennies are shined by using a simple pencil eraser.

It reminds me of special Christmases past. I remember my dad, who’s now been gone forty years. And I thank God for His every blessing on our family—no matter how simple or seemingly insignificant.

Perhaps you don’t have any generational traditions. Start some with your family this year. Build memories—and lessons—worth repeating.

Question: What meaningful generational tradition do you continue in your family? Share your answer at https://kirbyandersen.com/2015/12/using-generational-traditions-to-deepen-appreciation-for-your-family-heritage/.

We all want the best for our kids—to have advantages that perhaps we didn’t. We work hard to use whatever resources we have to pave the way for them to hit their mark as adults. So we set up college funds; get them in the best schools; build their experience through diverse extra-curricular activities; use our network to secure helpful internships for them.

All good. Yet, sometimes common sense training—which turns out to not be so common—can provide an even greater real-world edge. Even with limited resources.

My kids love hearing little “life instructions” passed on to me from my grandpa or dad. For example, “If your hair is combed, hands and fingernails are clean, and shoes are shined—you’re dressed up.” Might not find quoted in GQ or Details magazines this month, but it works.

So, in that same vein of highly sophisticated, ultra-guru profound advice, here’s a bit of Andersen culture that I indoctrinated into my kids (drumroll please):

If you want to get promoted faster than your peers,

• Show up for work 15 minutes early
• Stay at work 15 minutes late
• Smile
• Say, “Yes, sir/ma’am; no, sir/ma’am”

Tada! You’re welcome.

If you’re underwhelmed by this bit of sage wisdom, trust me—it works. There are several reasons why these simple actions work profoundly. Life favors those who…

1. Do more than expected. In most competitions, a winner wins “just by a nose.” Whether it’s a foot race or 100 applicants for a single job opening, it’s usually decided by someone doing just a little bit more than expected. If you want your child to stand out from the masses, teach her to do more than expected. The next two reasons are examples of this.

2. Manage time wisely. The first two habits above involve time management skills. Most people show up for work at the last moment and bolt at the closing bell. Being willing to show up early and stay a bit later puts you miles ahead of the majority. It conveys conscientiousness, reliability, and discipline.

3. Get along with others. The last two habits above are interpersonal skills. John D. Rockefeller said he would pay more for the ability to get along with others than anything else. People who get along with others tend to be promoted even above others who may have received a higher grade point average or have more skill. Organizations will always find a place for those who have a positive attitude, cooperate with both peers and those in authority, and are just enjoyable to be around.

Please note: these aren’t four pithy statements you save for your child as he heads out to his first job interview. They are habits to be cultivated over time. And there’s no time like the present to begin your training.

Start now by instilling in your child the importance of doing a task better than expected; being on time is being ahead of time; showing respect to their elders.

Teach these four habits to your child and they will serve him well as an adult in the competitive world. And, by the way—they will work for you, too.

Question: What common sense advice are you instilling in your child to give them a winning edge for life as an adult? Share your answer at https://kirbyandersen.com/2015/06/4-simple-habits-to-get-promoted-faster-than-peers/.

I recently found out a dear, old friend passed away. I had called to wish him a happy birthday. His wife told me the news—he had passed away two years ago.

Courtesy Flickr/Jeremy Austin

Yep. Are you cringing like I did? Honestly, I couldn’t tell which was greater: my shock or my embarrassment.

We had pastored different churches in the same town years ago. We had put on some good miles together. We were brothers in our Lord’s service yet he had also been a father figure to me. When he retired and moved away, I called him each year on his birthday to catch up.

I saw his birthday reminder on my calendar. I knew I hadn’t called in a year or so—or had it been longer? Well, however long it had been, I looked forward to popping in on him with a call.

His wife was gracious in telling me the news. She told me how he’d died. When I expressed how embarrassed I was for not knowing—for having neglected calling—she kindly told me how good it was to hear my voice and how much he had talked about me and our experiences together. I told her how much I’d respected him and how good it will be to see him again someday. We wished each other well and hung up.

It took me a good while to regroup. Why hadn’t I called the last couple of years—or more?! I’d had the same reminder pop up each year. I knew nobody was holding this against me. Life gets busy—everyone knows that. Stuff happens. Yet, I regretted this terribly.

The little things in life often end up being the big things. Skipping over them, thinking we can recapture them later, may set us up for a life filled with regrets more than memories.

After some reflection, here are three things I’ve determined I can do to hopefully avoid more of these regrets.

1. Obey my reminders. I’m good about making reminders—in my calendar, project management app, etc. I make them because they are important enough to me at the time to do so. The problem is that when they pop up to do what I wanted them to do, I’m in a different zone. I’m in the middle of something else and the importance that was behind the reminder to begin with is now overshadowed by…whatever. There certainly is a chance that it really wasn’t important enough to act on now; yet, my experience is that it was. I need to trust my decision; then, take a breath, and act on what I had told myself I need to do. Making the Happy Birthday call. Following through on my weekly “special time” with one of my kids. Taking twenty minutes to talk with my spouse when I get home from work. Calling my parents and checking up on them. Just do it.

2. Seize the unpredictable. Many of life’s best opportunities come unexpected and unannounced. Like a deep, heart-felt question or comment from your child. Most of the great, memorable conversations I’ve had with my kids have come when I didn’t have time for it. I didn’t plan it. Yet if I didn’t seize that moment, it probably wouldn’t come again—at least not with the same potential. I’m not advocating not planning our time or not setting goals—anyone who knows me knows I plan things ad nauseum. We just need to be aware enough to recognize that this moment, although it wasn’t on the schedule, may be one that we will regret not embracing when we had the chance.

3. Really do stop and smell the roses! The reason we have sayings like, “Stop and smell the roses” is because we generally don’t. Roses aren’t always in bloom. A full, double rainbow in the sky waits for no one. Your daughter won’t always want to play beauty shop with your hair. So celebrate little accomplishments and fleeting seasons of life. Seize moments that are here now and are worth rescheduling your plans to experience them. Watch amazing lightning storms or lunar eclipses as a family. Hoop and holler over a pulled tooth. Reschedule housework and take a family walk on that perfect autumn morning.

Life is complicated enough without us making it more complicated. Watch for the seemingly little things in your life that may warrant closer examination. It’s okay to follow through on little things, to rearrange your schedule, to seize the moment. I want memories of a life well lived, not regrets of what should have been.

Question: What helps you to avoid the potential regrets in your life? Share your answer at https://kirbyandersen.com/2015/06/3-ways-to-avoid-regrets-in-life-2/.

I would do anything short of sin to make life better for my kids. One day, twenty-five years ago, when my kids were young I realized that the best thing I could do for them wasn’t to make more money or buy a bigger house—it was to provide them with the best version of me.

That was going to take some work. I wasn’t a bad person, yet I was acutely aware of my shortcomings. I’d hoped I would have simply grown out of them. But I knew in reality it was going to take some real work on my part.

I believed what Jesus had taught: that if you have faith in God and believe that what you say will happen, it will. I knew there was tremendous life-changing power in a person’s words.

So I typed up a series of affirmations that I would say about myself every day. One section was in regard to what kind of relationship I wanted to have with my kids. Not just for that year or the years they would be at home, but when they were adults as well.

I realized a few weeks ago that all that I enjoyed today with each of my kids was due to that decision. I took a picture of that page I’d typed a quarter of a century ago and sent to them. They all responded immediately with amazement because it was dead on accurate. It made me seem like a prophet to them.

You can also use self-talk to become a better you for your children. Here’s how to write out your own self-fulfilling prophecy:

1. Identify what you want. What do you want your relationship with your kids to be? What do you want for them? Imagine the end of your life with your kids with you. What will you want them to say about you? What kind of parent do you need to become for those things to happen? Make a list. Don’t worry about full sentences—just start listing things you deeply desire to become.

2. Write it out. Using the list your created, write a description of who you want to be and the kind of relationship you have with your kids. Write it in the present tense as if these things were true now. Don’t feel you are being untruthful just because you may not be the full version of that description yet. You are shaping the future. Take time with this. The end result should be something that inspires you.

3. Read this out loud daily. Set aside a few minutes each day to find a private place and read this out loud. See yourself as this person. It may seem strange at first. After a short time, you will hear confidence grow in your voice. Eventually, this will become your new identity and your behavior will start to align with it. Build a habit of including this in your daily morning routine. If you don’t have a good morning routine, you need one. The best book on the subject I can recommend is The Miracle Morning.

Don’t settle for anything less than the best version of you. Your kids deserve it. Become the parent they need, the person you want to be, by changing the way you talk about and see yourself.

Question: What is one thing you’d like for your kids to say about you at the end of your life? Share your answer at https://kirbyandersen.com/2015/06/use-self-talk-to-become-the-parent-you-want-to-be/.

Here are a few options how you can benefit from what I’ve learned.

1. Search my site. I am continually adding new content and you may find that I’ve already provided the insight you need in one of my posts. Browse through my blog posts using the Category buttons or use the Search box in the upper right-hand corner of the sidebar.

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3. Hire me as a personal coach. I can help you one-on-one work toward your specific personal growth goals via video conferencing. I can only work with a limited number of clients at a time but would welcome the opportunity to discuss the possibility with you. Click here for more information.

   

4. Introduce me to your church leadership as an Intentional Churches Coach. As a former lead pastor and executive pastor for 35 years, I have a pretty good idea of the passion you have for the local church. But passion isn’t always enough. Intentional GrowthPlanning can help your team unleash the potential of your church. I believe in this process so much I joined the team as an IC Coach..

   

5. Book me as a speaker. Gail and I have spoken hundreds of hours over the last 35 years in churches, conferences, civic groups, and businesses. To find out what we could offer to your and your audience, click here.

   

   

6. Hire me as a team coach. I can work with your team of 6 or more create time for what matters in your individual lives as well as cultivate a healthier, more efficient work culture. This can be done in person in the Tulsa area or via video conferencing. Click here for more information.

   

Other requests? I’m always eager to consider new opportunities to help others become better versions of themselves. I would be happy to hear from you.