Almost everyday, one or more of my adult sons and daughters reach out to me to get my input on something. It’s always a highlight of my day and is the long-standing reward of being the go-to person from their childhood.

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What parent doesn’t want to be included among their child’s most valued advisors—or even better, their first choice?! That can be your reality with a little intentionality and consistency.

Your Child’s Life Coach

Becoming your child’s life coach starts early. But don’t be dismayed if you’ve lost those early years—you can start today, whatever their age.

Here are seven ways that helped me keep my kids coming back for my advice:

1. Build relational equity. You can’t force anyone to want to reach out to you. That privilege comes as the result of investing lots of time into the relationship. Talking. Being interested in their life. Becoming that trusted person. Remember: kids don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care. That takes time—and lots of it, so…

2. Create the context. Before a person actually gets to the point where he will reach out on their own, you need to have had lots of scheduled time together. The best way to do that is to have a regular time blocked out to spend undistracted time with your child. That’s what I call Special Time and is summarized in my free ebook, 7 Ways To Supercharge Your Family This Week. As I’ve said before, quality time happens through quantity of time.

3. Don’t freak out. When your kids trust you and you encourage an open door for conversation, they will most likely ask you questions that take you a bit by surprise. That’s exactly what you want so don’t freak out! If you overreact, they will be more hesitant to ask next time. My kids have asked me the definition for just about every profanity imaginable. We’ve talked sex—and much beyond birds and bees stuff. Let them know nothing is off the table so keep the freak-outs contained and they will keep asking.

4. Answer the right question. Make sure you understand what they’re asking. 7-year old Johnny asked his dad where he came from. Although this question came earlier than expected, his dad calmly began to explain the birds and the bees. Afterward, a shocked Johnny said, “Well Billy said he came from Philadelphia and I just wondered where I came from!” Take a moment to clarify before you launch into a response that’s unnecessary.

5. Don’t exhaust the subject. The beauty of a long-lasting relationship is that it is just one ongoing conversation. Especially when a child is young, answer with just enough to satisfy their curiosity at the moment (see #4 above) and leave the door open for more discussion later when desired.

6. Share from your life experience. Your child wants to know about you and how you’ve handled similar situations as them. So when appropriate, draw from your experience and share a story that adds some life instruction for them. Speaking of life instruction…

7. Help your child with the take-away. We have so many choice teaching moments almost daily when our kids feel free to ask us about whatever. Sometimes their questions require simple information. But wherever possible, seize the opportunity to teach application. How should we act/respond in light of this information? Set in the context of your family values.

These simple principles can help you create an open-door culture between you and your child. Make time to hang out, talk, have fun. Then don’t be surprised when you hear, “Hey Dad/Mom, I was wondering about…”. That never gets old!

UPDATE: I expound on these and much more in my ebook, Becoming Your Child’s Life Coach. Check it out here.

Question: How do you cultivate the trust and desire in your child to see you as their life coach? Share your answer at https://kirbyandersen.com/2016/09/become-your-childs-go-to-person/.

I’ve written previously about how using rewards to motivate kids’ behavior can be a lifesaving tool in training your children. I love this topic and want to talk further about setting up rewards for your kids.

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Keep in mind that what motivates one child may not necessarily be motivating for the next. So I love to find out what each child’s ways of giving and receiving love are. It’s a great way to differentiate rewards for each child. This is the beauty of setting up reward systems for each child: determining behaviors that need reinforced in individual kids as well as varying the rewards for each child.

A younger child needs rewarded very close to the time of the desired behavior. As he ages, he can begin to build up stars, stickers, or coins for a larger reward. Here are some examples of both types of rewards:

Toddlers and preschoolers:

• A chocolate chip or M&M
• A penny or two
• A high-five
• Mints or Tic-Tacs
• Do a celebration dance
• Playtime with Mom
• Stars, beads, stickers, coins
• Toy from a treasure chest (Dollar Tree items)

Kindergarten/Elementary:

• Stars, beads, stickers, points, coins
• Treat at home or out (ice cream, lunch, other treat)
• Time with friends
• Trip to the park
• Gifts: new toothbrush, hairbow, etc
• Time with Mom: playing a game, having tea, digital game, art activity,
• Read a book to them
• TV show or video
• Campout in the living room or backyard
• Go to a special event
• Time on computer, ipod or game station
• Breakfast in bed
• Choosing dinner for the family
• Stay up past bedtime (or other privilege)
• Getting to have a friend over
• Trip to the Dollar Tree
• “Kid of the Day” special privileges and off all responsibilities
• Have breakfast in bed
• Choose a new cereal, dessert, or snack for the family
• Watch a special show

You can also have individual reward charts where each child is working toward a family day trip to a theme park, water park, museum or the like. It’s great to see the cooperation between siblings when they are all working for a joint goal.

A Few Reminders For Using Rewards

1. Build habits. Use rewards until the desired behavior is a habit, then switch to verbal praise and give rewards for a new behavior instead.

2. Use your words, too! Along with the reward, be sure to praise your child for what he has done. For some children, your praise means even more than the reward! It’s good also to generalize the behavior to the child’s future: e.g., “Susan, I love the way you teach your brother! I can see that you would be a great Sunday School teacher!”

3. Focus on behavior. Make sure to distinguish between the child and his behavior. When praising the child, focus the praise on what she accomplished, rather than saying what a “good girl” she was. Children should always be confident of a parent’s love independent of temporary behavior. The rewards and consequences are for the behavior, not because the child himself is deemed good or bad.

4. Age-appropriate. It is important to be reasonable with behaviors that are expected and those that are getting the rewards. Consider the age of the child and what he was capable of.

5. Properly motivating. Consider whether or not your rewards are fair. Giving too much of a reward causes the child to have too high an expectation for any behavior; giving too little may not be enough motivation to establish the behavior.

Using systems of rewards can be such a fun teaching tool. Having the ability to change your child’s behavior without nagging is an amazing way to make family life fun. And how much more memorable it is to be as positive and encouraging!

Question: How do you creatively use rewards to promote good behavior in your kids? Share your answer at https://kirbyandersen.com/2016/09/bringing-out-the-best-in-your-kids-with-creative-rewards/.

We’ve all dealt with more discouragement that we’d like to admit. Working hard toward a goal and running up against obstacles every step of the way. Trying to form a new habit yet defaulting into old behavior. Trying to help someone we care about yet without equal effort on their part.

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The thing about discouragement is that it never just happens all at once—it’s a process. And a relatively predictable one.

4 Steps Toward Discouragement

One of my favorite books in the Bible is the Old Testament book of Nehemiah. Nehemiah accepted God’s call to return to his ancestral city of Jerusalem and rebuild it’s outer wall which had been in ruins for decades.

It was a big project fraught with increasingly difficult challenges all along the way. One of his biggest obstacles came in chapter four when his work force became discouraged halfway into the project timeline.

Without going into an in-depth study of the chapter, there are four steps that led to their discouragement

1. Loss of strength (vs. 10). The people were getting physically tired.

2. Loss of vision (vs. 10). The mess of the construction project was becoming emotionally overwhelming and they lost sight of their goal.

3. Loss of confidence (vs. 10). When you get tired and lose the vision, you lose confidence. Losing that can-do attitude drains all motivation.

4. Loss of security (vs. 11). This is the last straw. It could be anything: a change in a close relationship with someone; losing a job; an unexpected financial expense.

This is the general path to discouragement. All steps are worth examination but I want to focus on the first.

You Have To Stay Physically Rested!

Nehemiah and company had been pushing hard for almost a month—long hours, high stress, little rest and no recreation. Probably sounds all too familiar.

They were halfway through the project. The excitement had worn off and the mess of construction was building up. It didn’t feel like they were making any headway.

Halfway in any sizable project can be very discouraging. You don’t have the same energy and enthusiasm as you did when you started. You can’t stop yet you realize you have to do the same amount of work as you’ve done—but now you’re really tired.

Being physically tired affects our emotional strength. We tend to become pessimistic, negative, irritable when tired.

So, the simple preventative thing to do to head off chances of discouragement is to stay rested and recharged.

It’s the reason why I’ve said so often that sometimes the most spiritual thing you can do is take a nap!

In addition to getting proper sleep, you need a sustainable pace. Time for good nutrition. Time to de-stress. Time to do things that recharge you. Time with those closest to you.

Do a quick evaluation of your current pace. There are certainly times when we need to roll up our shirtsleeves and push. But those should be the exception and not long-term.

Don’t wait until you find yourself exhausted and discouraged before taking action. Prevention is always easier than recuperation.

Question: How do you make sure you don't push too hard and risk discouragement? Share your answer at https://kirbyandersen.com/2016/08/a-simple-principle-to-help-prevent-discouragement/.

Good health is the result of many factors. Genetics and past experiences can’t always be undone, yet what makes the biggest difference in better health are the choices we make now and the habits we form.

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That’s good news. It means we’re not as much victims as what it often seems like. Making better choices each day, taking simple steps and doing them consistently over a long time will make huge differences in the overall quality of your life.

I recently shared five sets of numbers that I believe are helpful to monitor in your journey toward better health. They were mainly medical diagnostics.

Here are five other numbers I watch. They are more goal-oriented, proactice lifestyle measurements I use to give my body, mind, and spirit the essentials for better health.

5 Numbers To Maintain A Healthier Lifestyle

1. Hours of sleep per night. We are a sleep deprived society. We need good sleep and in sufficient amounts regularly to recharge and heal. While individual needs may change with age, seasons of life, work load, and emotional stress, you would do well to strive for 7-8 hours nightly. Don’t make the habit of cutting it short during the week and attempting to catch up on the weekend—it doesn’t work in the long run.

2. Ounces of water. Made up of approximately 70% water, your body needs a steady intake of good, pure water to stay replenished. Again, most people are mildly dehydrated. The rule of thumb is half your body weight in ounces each day; e.g., if you weigh 160 pounds, you should drink 80 ounces of water. Of course, needs may vary accordingly to climate and work load, but use this as a guide and you’ll probably be better off than what you are currently.

3. Steps in a day. Most of us have become too sedentary. The advice we hear more and more is MOVE! Get out of the chair often—once or twice an hour—and move, stretch, walk. You could exchange “steps in a day” for 30 minutes of walking each day. I do that but keeping track of steps each day monitors movement in general and not just your actual walk breaks. Fitness wearables and smartphone apps make this easy. A common goal proposed is 10,000 steps a day. Start with more than you are currently, then increase.

4. Hours each week with family/friends. Amazingly, our overall health is dramatically affected by quality relationships. Habits like eating a meal together as a family each day, a date with your spouse once a week, some special time each week with a child all add up. Proximity isn’t what counts—it’s about actively engaging with another in conversation or fun activities together. 15-22 hours a week with family members or close friends is a good target.

5. Minutes each day in spiritual disciplines. You not only live in a physical body and have a mind, you are a spiritual being. You’ll never experience optimum health if you neglect the spiritual you. Daily spiritual disciplines such as prayer, meditation, reflection, journaling, and reading the Bible should have a priority in your schedule. And certainly the list would include weekly worship services. 15-60 minutes daily will help manage stress and support your other healthy habits.

Good health is a matter of taking steps, making better choices, and forming habits that provide what a person needs for spirit, soul, and body.

If one of the above got your attention, give it a bit more attention this week. What gets measured, gets monitored. Keep taking better steps forward.

Question: What number is an important one for you to maintain a healthy lifestyle? Share your answer at https://kirbyandersen.com/2016/05/5-more-numbers-to-know-for-better-health/.